Step-parenting

Any of you on your second (or more? ) marriages and are now faced with step parenting? From any direction, step-parenting isn't easy!
I am 3 years in on helping my husband learn how to be a step-parent. He came in when the kids were 12 and 17, definitely not easy ages! He had to jump in at the hardest part, and I have had to learn how to relinquish some of the control and to trust another parent to make decisions, ALSO has not been easy!

I hear you on this one heyy!

OH and i got together when his 2 sons from his previous marriage were 3 and 13 years old and i was only 19 myself! its been hard at times, the 3 year old was easy peasy but the older son was a nightmare!!
I don't think people realise how hard it is to be a step parent or to have to deal with other peoples children, discipline to the now 9 year old is easy, he sees me as a second mum and respects me but the now 19 year old was very hard work however, he respects me which makes it easier.

I'm not a step-parent but I am a step-daughter. We moved in with my step-dad when I was 14 which is an awkward age anyway, let alone having to get used to a new country AS WELL as a new adult in a parenting role. (I grew up in Cyprus).

My dad left when I was 18 months old and didn't have anything to do with me until I was 18 and I was magically able to be put in contact with him by his side of the family. Anyway, long story short, I no longer speak to him because a leopard can't change his spots and he's a prat by nature. lol.

Anywho, the reason I'm crashing your thread is to let you ladies know that I now see my step-dad as the father I always needed when I was growing up. Even though it was tough letting him be a parent when I was a teen, I've gradually grown to love him as a dad and the person who makes my mum happy.

He managed it purely by being there for me when I needed him and giving advice when advice was due, but he never forced himself into being my surrogate parent until I was ready. I think it was important that he never made it feel like he was trying to be my DAD. He was trying to be my carer.

Alien:
Do you feel like your step-dad then left all the discipline and other "heavy" parts of parenting up to your mother? If so, do you know if that was her rule, his, or something they mutually agreed on?

He did provide discipline for me but it tended to be for the smaller things like tidying my room or helping with the washing-up.

Anything like staying out past curfew etc was mum.

As for who's rule, I think it was a mutual agreement. As my step-bro moved in with us as well, Mum and SD's roles reversed for him.

My step daughter is 14...and a whole host of issues surrounding that. Oy vey.

How is your step daughter with tricky? My youngest step son found it really difficult to adjust to having a baby at his dads house.

She still has yet to meet him. She has another baby brother from her mother that's only a few months older than Tricky. We were supposed to have her for the summer, since we moved closer, but she didn't want to come. DH is the kind that won't make her do anything she doesn't want to do (big things like this...)...and would rather her not come if she will make it miserable for everyone.

That's a shame in a way, but if she isn't ready to meet him yet then i guess thats the way it has to be! sounds like shes had a lot to come to terms with if both parents have had new babies in a short space of time.
We don't see much of OH's other 2 children either now as they moved right to the other side of the country (which in US terms isn't that far as we are a small island, but the train fares are so expensive to go and collect them as we don;t drive!)

Haha, completely off topic, but I remember with Southwest Trains, I could get a student rail card, which saved me 30% on all of my train travel. But, that was in 02/03, I'm sure prices have jumped since then. At least you guys have a functioning rail system...we have a...Interstate system and a completely broken airline system.

Got a railcard (16-25 railcard) and a family and friends one both give me 30% off fares but still costs in the regions of £150 for 4 journeys (there to collect him and back again, twice) which is a lot to us.

Our transport systems pretty broken too lol in fact a lot of our public services are! The government don't seem to know how to keep things working properly lol!

Last summer, we spent $1,300 for DH's daughter to fly to California. We weren't going to do that this year because money was a lot tighter with a newborn and me quitting my job. But, we moved closer. It's just too bad that she simply doesn't want to see her father.

Wow! That is so much money! She will come round probably but its one of those things that she has to come to terms with by herself. Step families can be so difficult!

Was taking to my OH's ex wife who I get on pretty well with about stuff the other night and she said "thank god my boys have a fantastic step mum" it just made me feel happy that even though things can be difficult, that she appreciates what I do for them

Just thought I would stick my 2 pennies worth in! I have a 13 and 14 year old step daughter and son who live with us week on and week off (and an 18 year old girl who we bearly ever see), I have been with my fiance for nealy 4 years now so have seen them grow from kids in primary school to the moody teenagers they are now! Its been really hard and really great but being a step parent is really difficult, I have to say they are fantastic with their baby brother and sister and havent rejected me at any point but to have some where to share experiences is fab as my OH isnt a step parent as I had no previous kids and I think he sometimes doesnt fully appreciate what I have taken on! Anyway thats the basis of my step parent story!

Suzy dude!! How the devil are you? Lovely to see you on here wow I didn't realise your step children were such a huge part of your day to day arrangements. My eldest step son was 13 when I started seeing Simon and he was lovely, it went down hill from about 15-18 years but he has come out of the other side again now and is a very lanky slightly more mature version of the 13 year old that I first met. They are so close in age being 13 and 14 too! Must be a right handful!

It's so hard to know where to draw the line with step kids, how much input is too much and how little is not enough, I guess it all depends on how much the child wants you to do and how much we feel comfortable doing. So difficult to get right though when 99% of the time it's always a pretty awkward up hill struggle!

Hi Charlie! all good ta, hows you and those scrummy boys? Yeah I love a good forum... especially one where I can talk about kids!! The step kids are a huge part of my life and its so true that knowing the balance is key, i think after 4 years we have just about got it right but there will always be something new to challenge us, they are defo at tricky ages! Luckily I get on well with their mum and she seems happy that I am in their life so all good there. Step daughter has just turned 13 and step son will be 15 in January so they are not only arguing with eachother at any given moment they can have that delightful 'attitude' that makes me want to scream! I have somethimes thought its too much and can i do this but I have to also think how lucky I am to have no real big issues and that any little things are just part of normal teenage growing pains... doesnt seem too long ago I was going through it all myself, but it actually was a looong time ago! Sometimes I suggest that Nick goes to something (like a rugby presentation evening for example) with the kids on his own but he gets annoyed with me for suggesting it so I try and back off a bit sometimes and let them have their own time occasionally but he takes that as I dont want to be involved.. which I really do.. and he wants me to be involved with everything! So we can get have the odd misunderstanding but its good he wants me there for everything, I just dont want them to think Im always there and they would like some time with their dad alone... then the older step daughter is nearly 18 and has a different mum (who is a psycho) which is a whole other story!Aaaaaanyhooooo thats my rant and essay over!!! I didnt realise you had a much older step son, I knew about Charlie (think I got that right?) It must be hard to have that huge long journey to get to see them though.

I like a good forum too so I thought if give making one a go see how it all works but it is proving hard to find people to join so it will get there slowly but surely! 26 members in 6 weeks isn't bad but it's tailing off a bit now.

I have the same relationship with the step kids as you really with the 2 younger ones by the sounds of it. I get on well with te ex partner and we arrange everything between us as Simon just isn't very organised to be honest!
I have tried the whole alone time thing with Simon and his boys but very much like you, he likes me to be there for everything so even f the kids wanted it te very hard to get him to realise that!
Charlie is 9 and Cory is 19, they both have the same mum which makes it easier (no psycho mums to deal with!!) but the hardest one is deffo Cory, he was 13 and I was 19 when I first met him! Awkward much? But we got on great, I used to look after them on my own some weekends when they lived locally before Simon and I lived together at their mums house when Simon and her were working and I was off as I worked at a nursery that didn't open weekends. It was only when he got in with the wrong croud it put a strain on the relationship with his dad and then also me as well.

Charlie was 3 when we first met so e sees me as another mum, he is my step baby and I adore him, he gets jealous of my 2 boys but it's just usual sibling rivalry! We see him most school holidays and I collect him on the train as I still just about get a railcard!!

My boys are fine thanks, how are your 2 little babes? One saturday young Thryn was on about getting together for a good old chin wag! We need to sort put dates

We're having a real issue with my husband and my teenager right now- she doesn't respect him at all, and he definitely has the alpha male mentality and gets set off at the smallest slight. They have ended up in shouting matches 2 or 3 times in the last few weeks.
Now, here's my question. I didn't grow up in my dad's house. My daughter's "father" isn't around- I am wholly inexperienced with teenaged girls and fathers- is this just normal "flexing"? Or is this a symptom of the step-family?

I think some of it may be to do with her age as me and my dad used to argue or more to the point, I used to argue with my dad something chronic between the age of about 14-19. It has got better now that I don't live with them and I have grown up a lot!

But it could also be to do with the step parent thing, my eldest step son was 13 when I first met him and if I told him off I always got the "you aren't my mum" speech but he was told that in my domain whether I am his mum or not he did as he was told. He's now nearly 20 and has grown up loads and he is a different person all together.

I think step-dads get as much back talk from teen daughters as dads do... And mums... And siblings... Pretty much anyone who is in close proximity. It's just different insults for each.

Step parents may have a harder time dealing with it though due to insults hitting tender nerves. :shrug: